Feb. 6th 2009
I can hardly believe that it was 6 months ago already that Guthrie came into this world! What an amazing day it was! I remember trying to contain my excitement the minute I had my first contraction at 1:30 am, doing my best not to call up all my girlfriends to say, 'this is it!!' I remember looking at Bobby when I was well into labor thinking, 'where would I be without him?' And I also remember thinking 'this is the worst pain I've ever known!' But when my little Guthrie came out and I heard his scream and saw his skinny little body I couldn't EVER imagine feeling the way I did. It felt like heaven was in the room. It felt like my heart couldn't conceive of anything more beautiful. I am amazed at the capacity God gave me in that very moment, that has carried out to this very moment, to Love in a way I never knew was possible. I was and am crazy about this little boy!
In the same way I continue to find it strange that billions of women carry and deliver babies, and have stories just like mine (selfishly and shortsightedly, after giving birth, I had a lot of trouble believing that anyone else has experienced the same pain and delight I had in this whole labor and delivery thing!), I've also started to except that Guthrie is included with the rest of human race in this whole 'growing up' process. I assure you, I've been resisting this part!! But after having the Dr. tell me today that my little baby (emp. added) should start eating things like avocados (!) and bananas (!!) and other things off of my plate, what can I do but embrace the fact that my sweet baby boy, whose gotten everything he's needed from me solely up until now, is indeed growing up!
If I'm honest, It's not JUST about Guthrie though, If I could just sit idly by and watch him do all the growing up, that would be one thing, but I have discovered (oh so quickly!) that my own heart and mind are connected to his in this growing experience. That his ridiculous excitement about trying new foods, fears about falling asleep without my comfort, belly laughing from Bobby's tickles are not exactly separate from me. As all mothers, I feel a ray of emotions as a result of his reactions to this world that he is trying to figure out. I am absolutely effected by his discovery that growing up is both fun and very tough. For me, these are the ways Motherhood takes me by surprise every day. I don't think anyone could have prepared me for the growing up I'm doing with him.
It's beginning to make sense to me for the first time why this is just too big for me. That raising a child is just too much on my own. I know myself...I know the ways I will try and control and manipulate things in order to prevent Guthrie from experiencing the pain of this world. I know how difficult it will be to allow him to make mistakes and risk and fail and all those sort of things that are totally normal and important, but sad and difficult for me to watch happen!
As I thought about these things, I started to feel overwhelmed! "Jesus, take my Guthrie and make him all that you want him to be. Give me strength and courage to step aside and let you form him and develop him into the man that you want him to be, giving him all the love and nurturing that I have in me to give, knowing that it won't be enough and that I'll mess up and need you to fill in all the gaps that I'll miss!" I take comfort in knowing that just as God has poured out his grace on these past 6 months of Guthrie's life and mine he'll continue to for the rest of our lives and that His grace isn't contingent upon my ability to love. This gives me space to breathe on a special day like today....and just feel really really blessed and happy that I get to be Guthrie's Mommy! His life is a miracle to me!
6 months old!
Here's a better view. Guthrie will be eating summer squash til next summer!
The crew
